An Unlikely Gift: Choosing Empathy in Divorce Proceedings

Divorce. The word itself carries a weight of endings, shattered dreams, and often, deep-seated, long-lasting pain. It’s a landscape marked by conflict, hurt feelings, and the task of untangling intertwined lives. In this emotionally charged storm, the idea of extending empathy towards the person you’re separating from can feel absurd, even impossible.

"Why should I care about their feelings when I'm the one hurting?" Yet, paradoxically, choosing empathy during this painful process isn't about absolving blame or denying your own pain; it's about navigating the process with greater integrity, minimising unnecessary damage, and ultimately, fostering a path towards healing, for both of you. As an important aside, it could also save each of you a considerable amount of money.

Why Empathy Matters When the Marriage Ends

1. Reducing Mutual Destruction:

Divorce fuelled solely by anger and resentment can amount to a scorched-earth policy. Empathy acts as a circuit breaker. Recognising your spouse is also experiencing loss, fear, confusion, and grief (even if expressed differently) helps prevent the escalation of conflict. This directly translates to less emotional carnage, fewer protracted legal battles, and lower costs. You must remember that the parties are both going through the grief cycle and they can each be at different points of that cycle. For example, if one party has “checked out” of the marriage a long time ago then they may well be at the acceptance stage, whereas the other party may only have recently realised that the marriage has come to an end and they could still be at the denial/anger stage. I always advise clients who are already at the acceptance stage that their partner may well not be as far along as them and therefore we should tailor our correspondence according to that position (which particularly seeks to ensure that the other party does not become more inflamed).

2. Preserving Co-Parenting Potential (If Applicable):

For couples with children, empathy isn't a luxury; it's a necessity. Seeing your spouse not just as your "ex," but as the other parent to your children, allows for better communication and cooperation. Understanding their perspective on parenting issues, even amidst disagreement, lays the groundwork for a functional co-parenting relationship crucial for your children's well-being. I explain to clients that if you have a child with your former spouse then the importance of having a working relationship with them cannot be understated. There will be birthday parties, graduations, weddings and other events where, even as an adult, the child will see that their parents are working together and showing their love.

3. Honouring Shared History:

However the marriage ended, you shared a significant chapter of your lives. Empathy acknowledges that shared past. It allows you to see your spouse as a complex human being with flaws and virtues, not merely a villain in your narrative. This fosters a more respectful separation. Neither party may accept this, but those that are accepting seem to find it easier to move on in life.

4. Facilitating Practical Resolution:

Dividing assets, determining support, establishing living arrangements. These logistical nightmares become infinitely harder when fuelled by bitterness. Empathy allows you to step back and consider solutions that, whilst perhaps not ideal for either party, are fair and workable, leading to a more efficient and less adversarial process. The one huge advantage is that no decision has been imposed on either party by a judge. The feeling that your destiny in your own hands is under appreciated in family proceedings, even if both parties don’t get entirely what they want by reaching a compromise.

5. Your Own Healing Journey:

Counterintuitively, harbouring constant anger and resentment is toxic to your own healing. Choosing empathy, even in small doses, releases some of that corrosive energy. It doesn't mean condoning hurtful actions, but it allows you to process the end with more clarity and less baggage for your future.

The Boundaries of Empathy

Empathy in divorce does have limits:

• It does not mean accepting abuse: Emotional, verbal, physical, or financial abuse must never be tolerated. Empathy does not override the need for safety and firm boundaries against harmful behaviour.

• It does not mean sacrificing your legitimate needs: Fair division of assets, appropriate support arrangements, and your own well-being are non-negotiable. Empathy helps find fair solutions, not unjust ones.

• It does not require friendship or reconciliation: You can understand someone's pain without wanting them back in your life intimately. Empathy facilitates separation, not reunion.

• It doesn't negate your anger: You can feel deep anger “and” still choose moments of empathetic understanding. They coexist.

The Legacy of How You End It

Divorce is the death of a dream. How you navigate that death leaves a lasting imprint. Choosing empathy, however difficult, is a profound act of strength and self-respect. It honours the shared history you once had, minimises the trauma for everyone involved (especially children), and clears a path towards a future where healing, not bitterness, defines your new beginnings. It’s about closing one chapter with a measure of grace, so both of you can eventually turn the page. In the ashes of a broken marriage, empathy might be the most unexpected, yet valuable, gift you can offer to your spouse, to your children, and ultimately, to yourself.

If you have are in a relationship that is coming to an end, please contact Aziz Malik at Bexley Beaumont to discuss your needs. azizmalik@bexleybeaumont.com  |  07966 375115